Rant Journal, so skip if you have ANYTHING better to do... and if not, you might want to consider getting a life eve)/ //SHOT
So this year has really been a downer this far. I had to go to the hospital in January, then exams, was gone for a week after, my arm snapped from my shoulder joint which makes drawing and writing hard, then there was some personal family issues that are still affecting our whole family, had to go see a doctor again ythursday, not getting too good results, upcoming really important exam in mid April again,... *sighs* I know it could be way worse, but it's still really weighting me down lately. What's coming on top of that all, is how some people around me behave, IRL as well as internet.
So all in all, I'm in a pretty low mood lately and things keep piling up, which is why I'm rarely around at the moment, rarely being able to draw and just having trouble taking further blows at the moment.
I wouldn't mind it so much people were simply honest with me, but it hurts a lot to see them smiling at my face, behaving super friendly but I know that they are actually talking bad behind my back, having caught them first hand. I don't think people can take it very well if you are telling them the truth, not clouding your true opinion for something with pretty words or lying to their face when they messed up. 'Oh no, everything is super fine, you didn't do anything wrong!' ….that's not the type of person I am. I tell people when they screwed up but then try to also tell them 'come on, let's go and try to find a way to fix it.' If that's making me a self righteous bitch, fine, let that be your opinion of me, but at least don't keep smiling at my face and go behind my back. Seriously, I'd have so much more respect for people if they openly told me in my face what they think rather than being so fake. If people openly told me 'Hey, can you please tone it down some? I need support and not the freaking truth when I asked for your opinion' then I would easily say 'Sure!' but don't ask me for my god damn honest opinion and then can't handle it!!
But that's not even the worst...
Let me ask you something... If you found out your boss, or a public official, or the administrator of an online game or even just a small forum played favors toward their friends, allowing them to break rules and being rude to others without being punished by the standards of the rules etc... Would you find it fair? Would you feel compelled? Would you feel uncomfortable being in that community?
Let's look at it the other way around. You are buddies with your boss, or a public official, or the administrator of an online game or even just a small forum. You joke around, talk a lot, hang out together,... and you broke one or two small rules... they are your buddies, right? They shouldn't punish you. You are friends after all!!
Maybe I'm just too old/mature for how things work around here lately, but for me, if I broke a rule, I would ALWAYS ask and expect to be punished according to the rules. Even if I was the administrator's very best, closest buddy ever. I was a GM in an RO server and even there, when I messed up once, even though I was buddies with the admin, I expected to be punished. The reason I left in the end was because said admin continued playing favors on his friends, being super strict with members fucking up but basically forgiving his friends, staff or not, ANYTHING. It pissed me and Silver off so much we decided to leave eventually. Not because we didn't like the job, not because we didn't like the admin, not because we didn't like the community,... but because I couldn't stand for what was going on anymore.
That's also why I try leading my groups, no matter if IRL (university, laboratory,...) or online (RP groups, forums,...) as objective as possible, and friend or not I expect especially of my staff to follow the rules.
There was a giant mess going on end of 2013 because I made an activity check among mods and there were two people who haven't done anything in months (I checked logs). Even though they said in the check they were still around just unable to do anything right now, I told them that if things go more smoothly for them, so they have more time once more, they can become mods again any time, just having to note me, but for now, since they were inactive, I'd remove them from staff.
Both of them immaturely blew the whole thing out of proportion, one of them seeming to just be butt hurt to not be mod anymore, the other being pissed that apparently I was being too unpersonal, sending her a note like that, expecting to be treated special because we knew each other IRL.
Again, maybe I'm just not the way other people are in that regard, but in my opinion it doesn't -matter- if you are friends with someone or not. If you are the leader of something, no matter if a business or even just an RP-group, it's your responsibility to treat everyone alike and not give out favors.
What hurt me the most in that I guess was, that people around, being friends me too, seemed to side with those two after all. They were their friends mainly I guess, talking more with them than with me, so in the end they heard their side of the story because they whined in journals, on tumblr and who knows where else while I didn't want to enforce drama and just remained silent, trying to solve these things personally via notes rather than throwing it publicly at everyone's face. The result? The people around that used to be friends with me too, were on their side simply because they had no idea about the facts, blindly believing every word that stood in those whine-journals and complaint-tumblr-posts.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it still caused me to retreat RPing and writing mainly with my really close friends only, preferring Skype over chatrooms, making a new account even just to focus on the things -I- like to do, not having to feel like there is pressure on me by everyone's expectations and just returning to what I truly enjoy doing. It boosted my creativeness and enthusiasm again, but even up until today it sours my mood, preventing me from going much into chatrooms or handing my active Skype account to anyone.
None the less, SoC was, to me at least, a giant success. I loved it with all my heart, so even though I really only RPed with two or three people anymore, I didn't mind putting roughly 15 hours into each and every Story Flash, plus the time it took to draw the backgrounds, buttons, textbox, skit characters,... I didn't mind it at all. I also love Ethernitas' story, setting,... We put a lot of thought into the group, working on the story together,... but with how things are at the moment, I am just not sure if I have the strength to keep up all the responsibilities at the moment. I have exams coming up and this one is extremely important. I'm studying from morning to evening daily and still am afraid I might not be able to make it. Then on top of that, I am losing even more time because of my health condition. Then, in the back of my mind I am constantly reminded, the next story flash is due soon, so that means another 10-15 hours preparing time for that, meaning losing even more time... *sighs* It was a really hard decision but for the moment I had to remove the flashes for story missions, returning to written missions. OTL Feels awful considering how much I loved the look of them, especially the DS style but as things are, I just -can't- keep up with it. At the same time I'm not sure if I will ever make an open group anymore or just focus on private groups for myself and my friends mainly, just so there is no -reason- for enforcing rules if it is from friends for friends, so hopefully there will never be as much souring drama as there was in SoC and I can actually finally enjoy chatrooms etc again. =3=;
Just feeling really exhausted lately OTL And saw some things from the past popping up again yesterday as well and got frustrated all over again. And yet I still stand for it. I still will not change my ways. I am 100% committed to my projects and groups and will not change the way I lead them. Maybe I need to take a step back here or there due to IRL, but I won't stop or change because this is the way -I- think it should be and... well, if others disagree I can't help it. I can only be committed and give my all if I believe in how things are run.
Does that make me selfish? I mean, think about it. If you put as much time per week into something as I do for my groups, wouldn't you want it to be something you can stand behind?
I'm turning 26 in 7 weeks. I'm really trying to find my path in life at the moment, having to focus on my studies, but at the same time I really love RPing and will continue doing it as stress relief from university and work. I guess it is just one of these hard times that pull you down and make you extra vulnerable for old shit coming up.... *SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHS*
Okay... done whining and ranting =3=; Can't believe anyone would read this whole thing until here eve;;; You guys really need a life //SHOT Three more weeks, then that important exam is over. Hopefully I will feel more creative then OTL Need to finish a few works I owe and then FREEDOM! //SHOT MORE